The Writers

Daryl (Writer #1)

  • Position: Head writer. (Oh yeah, this is great! When it comes to my bio, everyone heads off to the pub and leaves me to finish up! Even my fellow writers have deserted me – the jerks!)
  • Born: Unknown (Not yesterday, I can tell you assholes that!)
  • Residence: Stuffie Estates. Penthouse suites. (And you guys are not welcome there!)
  • Nationality: Usawian (and proud of it! Boo yaw!!!!)
  • Alma Mater: Care Bear Secondary School (I’m not proud of that.)
  • Spouses: None (Okay so I haven’t been lucky with the ladies. Is that my fault? Anyway have you ever seen the female side of the stuffie world? It ain’t no beauty contest out there, y’know! All furry and mushy and stuff – Yuck.)
  • Children: None (What demented psycho would want to bring children into this desolate swamp – this loveless, hostile armpit of the universe, where a decent, caring, sensitive guy is rejected even by his own co-workers as if he’s got some kind of toxic body odour or something. Is that it? Do I smell? What – is it my breath? Tell me, why do you guys always leave without me? I can take it – just tell me! My colour – is it because of my colour?)
  • About Daryl: (I got nothing to say.)

Tennessee D. Winthrop the Third (Writer #2)

  • Position: Assistant to the head writer. (And big time ass kisser to Jimmi C.)
  • Born: Hearst Castle, California U.S.A. 1972 (Hand crafted by Pablo Picasso as a gift to Patricia Hearst) (Well whoopdi-frickin’ doo!)
  • Residence: Stuffie Estates – the entire three floors below the penthouse. (Snooty friggin’ poofta!)
  • Nationality: Made in America. (Yeah, but by a Spaniard – probably an illegal Mexican, actually.)
  • Alma Mater: Harvard graduate cum laude with a double major in medicine and quantum physics.  (I think I’m gonna puke!)
  • Spouses: Dame Olivia Ellsworth, daughter of James Ellsworth the Fifth, President of the United States of Stuffie America. (Oh is that all? Not good enough to be king of the world?)
  • Children: 3 (Only three??? What’s the matter Tenny? The Cave of Wonders Ride closed in Disney World, is it? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!!)
  • Awards: The AV award twenty years running. The AV – or Australian Virility Award is given to that male stuffie who has done the most to help impregnate the female stuffies of Australia, whose numbers rank in the tens of thousands due to the lack of males in the land down under.  Mr. Winthrop is reported to have fathered over 100,000 children in the past twenty years.  The Australian stuffies also express their deepest gratitude to Dame Olivia for selflessly volunteering the services of her husband over these two decades. (I cannot catch a break here!)
  • About Tennessee D. Winthrop the Third: (Oops, sorry! Due to a computer glitch, all further information regarding the oh so incredible Mr. Winthrop has inexplicably disappeared forever.)

Oda Cologne (Writer #3)

  • Position: (Least necessary writer on the staff. Why should I put anything down here for him? Enjoy your beer with the guys, asshole!)
  • Born: (Who cares? I mean, really)!
  • Residence: (Do I stutter? WHO CARES)
  • Nationality: Caswian (Another goddamn Canadian)
  • Alma Mater: McGill University, Montreal, Canada. PhD in Literary Arts (So big deal, he snuck in on his own! He’s a skunk – who’s gonna bother him? Okay a stuffie skunk, but still…)
  • Spouses: (Yeah, like he’d be popular with the ladies!)
  • Children: 873 (Hunh? Let me see that picture! WTF? He’s a SHE??? No Way!!!) (Actually, she’s not bad looking. For a skunk I mean. Whew, look at that picture of her – SHE IS H-O-T Hot!)
  • Awards: (Come over here and sit on my lap – I’ll award you, baby. I’ll A-ward you, RE-ward you and BACK-ward you if you know what I mean. And I know that you do! 873 kids, huh? So you know what it’s about, right? You’ve been around the block, haven’t you? Probably crossed the street a few times, if you know what I mean. Nudge, nudge. Let’s just look in your desk and see what we can find out about our little Ms. Cologne, here. What are these? Holy shit, she’s got awards for writing from every country in Europe and Asia! And what the hell is this – a NOBEL PRIZE?? You’re seriously shitting me here! I am impressed… and a little more than intimidated now… Jeezus, I gotta get out of here, man!)
  • About Oda Cologne: Oda is a dedicated, confident and impressive writer with decades of awards and credentials to back up her reputation as a first rate writer. She’s great! Honest! I mean it!