I want to talk about the price of gas, but first I got a message for the stuffie community: DON’T go see the movie Ted. When I heard that Hollywood was planning this movie I thought to myself, Finally, stuffed animals are getting their props! I even went down to audition for a part – and I got one! I told all my family and friends about it and they all came down here to the pub to celebrate. Things were sure looking rosy for me when, in the middle of the excitement, I get a call from the studio. Mark Wahlberg didn’t want me in the movie. I said, “Who the hell is Mark Wahlberg?” And then I gave the voice at the other end of the line a few suggestions about how much better the movie would be if they kept me and got rid of that muscle-bound piece of turd, but I was talking to a dead line. Hollywood, folks. It’ll break your heart every time.
Anyway, that’s when I realized that “Ted” was a cheap exploitation film, taking advantage of the gentle, quiet, and most of all, inexpensive nature of us stuffies! You know where that teddy bear is now? Gathering dust on a shelf in the props storage room. And those bastards never even took the time to realize that the bear is a female! Boycott the movie! Burn the DVD’s! Hell, burn Mark Wahlberg! As for me, I’m not leaving this pub ever again.
Now about the price of gas… How gas prices at the pump all go up right away – and all at the same time, mind you, when oil prices go up on the stock market. But when oil goes down, the pump prices stay up and gradually drop over the next month. And all at the same time! How is this possible, logistically. Did every gas station’s reservoir go empty at exactly the same time???
So my nephew took me for a drive the other day and stopped at a gas station to fill up. I noticed there were two more gas stations across the street from the one we were at – one on each corner. And each gas station had the same price for gas – as usual. So I went inside the station and asked the cashier who sets the price, and he told me it’s the distributor. Well readers, guess how many refineries supply gas to the various gas stations in your city? ONE! That’s right, Shell, Exxon, Chevron, BP… they all get their gas from the same place! Does the word “monopoly” ring a bell? How about “price fixing”? How about “massive ripoff”? I’m beginning to wonder why they don’t tell their customers to stay bent over their cars when they’re pumping gas. That way we can have a physical experience of what they’ve been doing to us all along!
Now I don’t have any advice for you regarding this blatant raping and pillaging the oil companies are carrying out. I can only tell you what I plan on doing about it. I’m going to order another beer and try to forget this bullshit. Bottoms up – if you don’t mind the double meaning!
Hey, why not watch my video, it’s pure bull!
This time of year, after the brandy has dried up and all you’re left with is a vague memory of sending a xeroxed copy of your naked ass to the company president, you may find yourself becoming more introspective, and start examining your life more closely. (I know after a Christmas party, I’m closely examining the toilet the next day, but that’s just me.) You want to understand the so-called “meaning of it all”. It starts out with the meaning of Christmas after you’ve noticed your bank account is drained and your credit card is maxed out, and you’re so pissed at the world that the next person who says that the meaning of Christmas is “giving”, well you want to give them your fist down their throat! Or maybe that’s just me.
But anyway, if you are examining your life and searching for the meaning of it all, I can tell you right now: there is none! So forget it and get on with your journey through this senseless void. Enjoy the scenery. Open up to whatever opportunity that comes along and take it. There’s no right or wrong choice; no such thing as Karma, and certainly nothing waiting for you at the end of it all except oblivion. So just do whatever you enjoy doing and forget about meaning. And while you’re at it you can forget about being happy, too. It’s called “the pursuit of happiness”; you never hear about the permanent capturing of happiness. The only happy people you will ever meet are those who don’t give a shit about happiness and they’re out there just doing what they enjoy. So get out there and enjoy the ride! Meaning? Give me a break! Oh and Merry Christmas.
Hello, dear readers! You know, many stuffies ask me, “Porky,” they ask, “How is it that you can be in the kind of shape you’re in and still be alive, much less teaching fitness classes?” I never quite know what they mean by that, so I simply respond that, “I’m a pig.” That seems to satisfy their curiosity.
Jimmi Cynic asked me to contribute a regular article to this website to encourage stuffies to take better care of their bodies. To quote Jimmi, “When they take one look at you sweetheart, they see their future, and then maybe they’ll buy the health product line I’m starting up.” I don’t know what he meant by that, either, but I’m just glad to share my experience and the wisdom I have gained from regular exercise and yoga.
If you are just starting out on this path of fitness and health, let me advise you that you must go sssslllllloooooowlllyyyyyyy. Many health experts will suggest that you start by touching your toes ten times a day, but I say this is pure foolishness. Most stuffies don’t even have toes! For those of you that do, I suggest that you start by looking at your toes! I bet you hardly ever look at them, except to put nail polish on them if you’re a female, right ladies? And, if you’re a male, well… you probably never look at your toes, do you? I mean, why would you? All that fungus and… well, never mind. But now you have a reason! By simply looking at your toes you will be drawn more and more toward thinking about touching them. For those stuffies who are toeless, just imagine what your toes would look like if they actually existed! Or better yet, paint some on your feet. Within a week, you will find yourself fantasizing about bending forward to get closer to those adorable little digits until you actually decide to physically reach for them! By the end of one month (or two) you will find yourself stretching down to make actual contact!
In the next article we will discuss how to straighten up again after reaching your feet. Until then I will sign off with this famous saying: Thin may be in, but baby, FAT is where it’s at! If any of you know what that means please write me and let me know. I get so confused…
I have good news for you, the reader of this article! And that news is that God wants you to be rich! That’s right, contrary to all visible evidence; God wants everyone in this world to be positively drowning in an ocean of abundance, opulence and success. Now when I use the word “God” I am not, of course, referring to that quaint, silly notion of God as an old stuffie in the sky, looking down on the world and dispensing justice in the form of punishment and reward as he sees fit. That would be absurd. No, I am talking about an invisible being that created you to be happy, wise and infinitely abundant, while also creating you to be completely unaware of this fact until someone like me comes along to remind you. Now doesn’t that make so much more sense than some silly old coot in the sky?
Once you remember that God wants you to be rich, you can apply a few simple techniques to start drawing the financial, physical, and spiritual abundance toward you, like a magnet in a field of iron fillings. On this web page I will share those simple techniques that absolutely never fail and explain to you why many people try these techniques with little or no success. Remember, it is not the techniques that fail you – it is you that fail the techniques. How do you fail them? Ah! That is where the power of your negative beliefs and your subconscious mind come into play, and I will explain all that to you in future articles, which will be written as soon as Jimmi Cynic pays me for this one. OR, you could get started by reading my new book: The Power of NEW: How to be Happy While Getting all the Things You Want From this World, by Following Your Dreams – of Getting All the Things You Want. Available now at your local Stuffie Book Store or at Camelzon.com.
Catchy Title, isn’t it? My book will help you to remember God’s real intention for you and start you on the road to your birthright of True Abundance! Remember, you don’t have to believe in God, because God believes in YOU! And so do I, Dr. Eckhart Robbins!
As you may know if you read my bio, I am a university graduate. Imagine that! Me – a stuffie monkey going through college – and graduating at that! This just goes to show you that you can accomplish ANYTHING you want if you put your mind to it. Within reason, of course. When we were kids, I said that to my younger brother, Jamal, and he put his mind to jumping from the second story window of the Switkins house. We never did find the body, so yeah, I better amend that affirmation to: you can do almost ANYTHING you want if you put your mind to it! And carry a parachute. And are extremely fortunate.
Speaking of good fortune, I am very grateful to be part of this dynamic, innovative series known as the Cynic’s Guide To The Universe. We have some outstanding shows, the likes of which have never before been seen on television or You Tube. Some will shock you, while others will stimulate certain parts of your anatomy – in a good way! And some will have you questioning the very meaning of your existence. Join us in the vanguard of a new movement. Send in your comments (or financial donations), and help us make this the Greatest Show on Earth! And help me get paid.
(This week’s contributor – Jimmi Cynic)
Lately, I’ve just realised that when you come to visit friends or relatives and they say, “Make yourself at home,” they don’t really mean it. The message was made quite clear to me last week, when I brought in my lamp and bedroll to fix up a little spot for myself in the corner of my cousin’s living room. I guess I should have caught on when they gave me those strange looks as I was roasting the turkey, which was just laying there in the fridge. Obviously, make yourself at home does not include eating your hosts’ holiday food, sleeping in their living room, or moving your stuff into their garage. I don’t know where my cousin and his wife got the impression that I was only “dropping by to say hello,” but there you have it – another relative’s home that I no longer seem to be welcome at.
I have been without a home for a few years now, being reduced to sleeping on this lumpy sofa on our set. All my relatives have turned their back on me and I have worn out my welcome with most of my friends, but I do not fill my mind with grievances or grudges. (I do, however, keep a list.) My situation has allowed me to see the plight of the homeless stuffies of the world. Those poor lost or discarded souls that you see in a garbage can or dumpster, or laying face down in the rainy gutter, were once deeply cherished companions for human children. They were loved, played with and cuddled. They comforted a little boy or girl human as the child fell asleep, tightly grasping his or her best friend in the whole wide world. But alas, humans grow up and forget about us. They cannot help this because they are, by nature, assholes.
Therefore I have decided to set up a foundation to help the homeless stuffies of the world, and I’d like to ask for your help. Whatever small – or insanely large – sum of money you can afford, you can send in the form of cheque or money order to the Cynic Foundation for the Disenfranchised. No amount over $25.00 is too small, but don’t put limits on your generosity, as you consider that, “there but for the grace of some Asian Manufacturing Company go I”.
On second thought, why bother wasting money on the legal fees required to set up a charitable foundation – just make out the cheque or money order to me, Jimmi Cynic, and I’ll make sure that, after covering overhead and advertising expenses, every second penny will go to the cause. Thank you, my dear brothers and sisters. (BTW, straight cash donations are okay, too. Better, actually.)