Author Archives: P. Oinkerton
Hello, dear readers! You know, many stuffies ask me, “Porky,” they ask, “How is it that you can be in the kind of shape you’re in and still be alive, much less teaching fitness classes?” I never quite know what they mean by that, so I simply respond that, “I’m a pig.” That seems to satisfy their curiosity.
Jimmi Cynic asked me to contribute a regular article to this website to encourage stuffies to take better care of their bodies. To quote Jimmi, “When they take one look at you sweetheart, they see their future, and then maybe they’ll buy the health product line I’m starting up.” I don’t know what he meant by that, either, but I’m just glad to share my experience and the wisdom I have gained from regular exercise and yoga.
If you are just starting out on this path of fitness and health, let me advise you that you must go sssslllllloooooowlllyyyyyyy. Many health experts will suggest that you start by touching your toes ten times a day, but I say this is pure foolishness. Most stuffies don’t even have toes! For those of you that do, I suggest that you start by looking at your toes! I bet you hardly ever look at them, except to put nail polish on them if you’re a female, right ladies? And, if you’re a male, well… you probably never look at your toes, do you? I mean, why would you? All that fungus and… well, never mind. But now you have a reason! By simply looking at your toes you will be drawn more and more toward thinking about touching them. For those stuffies who are toeless, just imagine what your toes would look like if they actually existed! Or better yet, paint some on your feet. Within a week, you will find yourself fantasizing about bending forward to get closer to those adorable little digits until you actually decide to physically reach for them! By the end of one month (or two) you will find yourself stretching down to make actual contact!
In the next article we will discuss how to straighten up again after reaching your feet. Until then I will sign off with this famous saying: Thin may be in, but baby, FAT is where it’s at! If any of you know what that means please write me and let me know. I get so confused…