(This week’s contributor – Jimmi Cynic)
Lately, I’ve just realised that when you come to visit friends or relatives and they say, “Make yourself at home,” they don’t really mean it. The message was made quite clear to me last week, when I brought in my lamp and bedroll to fix up a little spot for myself in the corner of my cousin’s living room. I guess I should have caught on when they gave me those strange looks as I was roasting the turkey, which was just laying there in the fridge. Obviously, make yourself at home does not include eating your hosts’ holiday food, sleeping in their living room, or moving your stuff into their garage. I don’t know where my cousin and his wife got the impression that I was only “dropping by to say hello,” but there you have it – another relative’s home that I no longer seem to be welcome at.
I have been without a home for a few years now, being reduced to sleeping on this lumpy sofa on our set. All my relatives have turned their back on me and I have worn out my welcome with most of my friends, but I do not fill my mind with grievances or grudges. (I do, however, keep a list.) My situation has allowed me to see the plight of the homeless stuffies of the world. Those poor lost or discarded souls that you see in a garbage can or dumpster, or laying face down in the rainy gutter, were once deeply cherished companions for human children. They were loved, played with and cuddled. They comforted a little boy or girl human as the child fell asleep, tightly grasping his or her best friend in the whole wide world. But alas, humans grow up and forget about us. They cannot help this because they are, by nature, assholes.
Therefore I have decided to set up a foundation to help the homeless stuffies of the world, and I’d like to ask for your help. Whatever small – or insanely large – sum of money you can afford, you can send in the form of cheque or money order to the Cynic Foundation for the Disenfranchised. No amount over $25.00 is too small, but don’t put limits on your generosity, as you consider that, “there but for the grace of some Asian Manufacturing Company go I”.
On second thought, why bother wasting money on the legal fees required to set up a charitable foundation – just make out the cheque or money order to me, Jimmi Cynic, and I’ll make sure that, after covering overhead and advertising expenses, every second penny will go to the cause. Thank you, my dear brothers and sisters. (BTW, straight cash donations are okay, too. Better, actually.)